Date: 4/22/14, one day before beginning my new lifestyle
Weight lost: 0 lbs.
Current size pants: 16/18
Days to cruise: 45

So I'm writing today's post in the spirit of self-reflection. Goodness knows I've tried dieting before. I've been struggling with my weight, and thus struggling with dieting, since the 6th grade. I can distinctly remember the first time I became aware of my weight. In gym class all of us were required to be weighed, I don't quite remember why. We were weighed in private, not in front of the class or anything, but it was the first time someone had actually informed me of what I weighed. I guess when I went to the pediatrician she just informed my mother. I don't remember what my weight was on that fateful day, but I do remember it was over 100 lbs. I was shocked. To my 11 year old self 100 lbs was crazy! After gym class I remember swapping weights with several of my classmates. While there were several other girls over 100 lbs, there certainly weren't a lot of us. And thus, self consciousness was born.

As I said, I've tried dieting before. I've actually succeeding in losing significant amounts of weight twice before, once in college and once a few years after college. Inevitably, I put the weight back on. And over the past two years I've struggled with a binge-eating disorder, leading me to pack pounds on. So here we are, with me at the heaviest I have ever been by far.

Over the past 6 months I've worked extensively with a therapist to get to the root of my eating disorder and to come to terms with how I feel about myself and my body. She was an incredible help to me and mentally I feel the strongest and most comfortable I ever have. I feel that I have taken control and made myself mentally strong, it is now time to take control of my health and make my body strong.

So tomorrow I'm starting what so many others have touted before me. I'm not starting a diet. I'm starting a new lifestyle. I will not be dieting. I will not count calories. I will not go to the gym everyday because I need to burn those extra calories. Here is my list of rules for my new lifestyle. I feel that spelling them out so clearly will help me keep my focus:

1. I will make consciously healthy choices at each meal. 
2. I will only eat when I am hungry.
3. I will stop eating when I no longer feel hungry. (Ie, it is okay to leave food on the plate!)
4. I will incorporate more physical activity into my day. This does not necessarily mean the gym everyday!
5. I will allow myself one cheat meal per week. 
6. I will only use my weight as ONE indicator of my success and my health. The scale will not define me. 

To expound a bit on my rules. The first rule means I will try to make healthier choices, like swapping whole wheat bread for white bread on my sandwiches. Bringing a banana with lunch instead of pop-tarts or granola bars. Eating more fruits and veggies, etc.

The second rule: do not eat my feelings! I will not eat because I'm bored, I won't eat because my friend is eating, I won't eat because I'm stressed out. I will only eat when I am hungry. I will learn to listen to my body.

The fourth rule means things like taking the stairs. Walking instead of taking the bus. Instead of sitting down and watching 3 hours of TV in the evening, I can use some of that time to go for a brisk walk. I will go to the gym on some days. And I will try to do a yoga routine every evening before going to bed. This is one aspect I will try to enforce on a near daily basis. I like doing it, I feel great when I'm done and it helps me to sleep like a baby!

I will allow myself one cheat meal of whatever the hell I want per week. Deprivation is the key to failure my friends!

I'm not sure how often I will update this. I'm honestly writing more for myself, as a means of self-reflection and as way of holding myself accountable. When I do update, I'll be sure to post things that are working for me and things that haven't! Hopefully they will be helpful if anyone decides to read my scribbles!